New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
