Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
