I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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