textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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