i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Can you bring me the toilet please
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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