p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
