If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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