He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
