Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
