Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Someone signed my nipple.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
