my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize