Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
