I think i peed on brittanys purse
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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