I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize