I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
A+ Viking dick
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
