so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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