Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
