idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
