who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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