As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
