I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Welp...herpes.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
