My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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