I hate your face
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
