Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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