Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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