I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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