We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
