evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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