Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
