either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
