i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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