I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
