Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We need to get me chipped asap
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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