good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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