it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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