Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
