Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
