How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
