two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
