My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
