I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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