I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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