Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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