im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
