All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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