You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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