Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
