The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
