Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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