I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
