dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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