my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
