y did u give ur computer a hand job?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
