Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
