then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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