you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize