the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize