After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize