Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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